sweet baby

A word of warning: the following post is of an intense emotional nature and may make people cry....especially people like the grandmothers of my children and the father of my children....







There's something I don't talk about much, something I think about a lot, but don't talk about much. We lost a baby. Our sweet baby, the first baby we conceived, went to be with Jesus. I don't think I have ever written about this in a blog. But MckMama asked for people to leave comments about the babies they have lost, the babies they have given over into Jesus' arms. As I sat down to write it her comment box, I realized this subject matter deserved attention here as well.

Our baby would be three now. Its been almost four years since we said goodbye. May 1st will mark four years since our baby went to be with Jesus. I believe our baby was/is a girl. Dan and I named her. We are the only ones who know her name. It is our secret, what we call our baby...I miss her still. I think of heaven, and how I can't wait to meet her when we get there. I think of how different our lives would be if she had lived beyond those precious 8 weeks in my womb.

I wrestled long and hard with the why of the whole tragedy. I was angry at God. I railed at him, screamed at him, cried my eyes out. In the end, I realized He is God and I am not. I will not understand this side of heaven why we had to let our beautiful baby go.

People call Jayden our first. That's not true. He's our firstborn, not our first. We have told him, and told Eli, they have another sibling, one they will meet when they meet Jesus (hopefully decades and decades and decades from now). We will meet her then, too. In some ways, I can't wait to hold our sweet baby in my arms for the first time.

To be a mommy to a baby who has gone to be with Jesus...it is not something I would have ever chosen for himself. As MckMama said, I am one of them. I am a mommy to three. Two I can see. One that I miss everyday. One whose due date will be forever etched in my mind. I will count her would have been years for all my life. Which is truly the way it should be. I'm her mommy.