thoughts

A random conglomeration of thoughts and events…

For those who don’t Facebook (is that a verb?), Jayden tripped and fell Saturday evening, banging/smashing his face on the corner of the coffee table. A trip in the ambulance (its our favorite mode of transportation lately apparently) followed. And we got to visit the A&E (accident and emergency) department at Ninewells Hospital AGAIN! They were able to use glue and paper stitches and he didn’t need sutures, which was a big relief. He loved the attention and loves to tell the story!!

Here’s his precious face all banged up:

We’re off to a place called Stirling today. They have a Safari Park there that is supposed to be amazing for kids and they also have one of the most famous castles in the UK- the Stirling Castle. As if that wasn’t enough, they also have the William Wallace Monument (dude from Braveheart) which dan is very excited about. And also apparently a historical prison. Lots to do, that’s for sure. We’re staying at a B&B. We’ll all be in the same room so we’ll see how that goes. :)

In regards to how we’re doing with all else that has gone on, grief is a jagged line that slowly heads upwards. Bad days, good days. Mostly bad days at first, then more good days interspersed. As I write this, its a sad day- missing the baby, missing the hope and excitement of a new life growing inside, missing the planning and dreaming. We have experienced God’s faithfulness and comfort on such amazing and deep levels though, and we are just full of praise of thankfulness for His care through it all.

I wish i could say we’ll be doing great tomorrow or in a week, or when we get home. But the truth is, things like this change you forever. Miscarriages, while they are a different kind of loss than losing a walking, talking, breathing child, are still the loss of a child and it leaves a scar. I still cry over the baby we lost in 2005.

I was encouraged today by the lyrics to this song by Steven Curtis Chapman. He lost his walking, talking, breathing 5 year old daughter in May of 2008 and he wrote this out of that pain.

 

I am broken, I am bleeding,
I'm scared and I'm confused,
but You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.

I am weary, unbelieving.
God please help my unbelief!
Cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.
You are faithful!
You are faithful!

When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful.

I am waiting for the rescue
that I know is sure to come,
cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I've dropped anchor in Your promises,
and I am holding on,
cuz You are faithful.
God You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.
You are faithful!
You are faithful!

When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful.
So faithful...

Though I cannot have the answer
that I'm wanting to demand,
I'll remember You are God
and everything is in Your hand.
In Your hands you hold the sun, the moon,
the stars up in the sky,
for the sake of Love, You hung Your own Son
on the cross...to die...
You are faithful...
Yes, You are faithful...

When you give and when You take away,
even then, great is Your faithfulness!
Great is Your faithfulness!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful!
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh...
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe...
...You're faithful..

 

I love the image of screaming it in the dark….cause there are times when I feel that is all one can do when they experience profound loss. If I have nothing else, I know that I am anchored in His faithfulness, and I scream it through the pain and grief, until I hope its all I can hear. That He is faithful.

a little taste of home

Yesterday, these arrived in the mail, compliments of the website, americansweets.co.uk.

My mom makes these amazing Halloween cookies every year and I was just starting to feel like it wasn’t fall without them. So after searching our stores here and discovering a total lack of the ingredients necessary to make them here, I found them online and ordered them.  And it may seem so lame, but after tearing into the candy corn and eating a few pieces, I felt like it was really fall. Now all I need is some of those little mellocreme pumpkins and I’m set!! Halloween cookies, here we come!! :)

“I wear Daddy’s hat, Mommy!”

Eli ran into the living room yesterday wearing Dan’s hat and yelling, “I wear Daddy’s hat, Mommy!!” He was so proud of himself!!  Just LOVE this boy and his funny antics!!

 

blessings

The boys were being super cute on the bus (our primary mode of transportation here) the other day and I had my camera so I took some pictures. They love to sit in big boy seats and not have to stay in the stroller! :) 

Last week we were at Sam and Andrea's and I walked into the living room to find all these lovely ones paired off. Dan was reading to Eleni, Jayden was watching Owen play DS, and Everett was spontaneously and repeatedly attacking Everett for snuggles. Precious precious.

These two are post-bath pictures. Thought they were cute. I love Eli's face- "What, Mom?! You want me to be cute and smile?! I don't think so!"

Amidst all the pain and sorrow right now of losing our sweet baby, I am trying to focus on the blessings. Our lives are filled to the max right now with our sweet boys and their cousins. God is good and faithful and I know He will bless us with another baby at some point in the future. But my arms do feel empty. I was already longing to hold our little one, already looking forward to newborn snuggles, first smiles, first laughs, etc. To have that disappear, all the hopes and dreams...it is a pain I cannot describe. But we know God is good all the time and so we keep pressing into that. And we keep holding our boys so tight, so thankful for the miracle of their lives. 

updates

Sorry its been so long since I updated. I've wrestled whether or not to share all of this that I'm about to share on the blog but I figure since it chronicles our family's life and journey, I probably should.

Here is what I posted on Facebook earlier this week.

A few weeks after getting to Scotland, Dan and I found out we were pregnant- a total shock. We were not planning on another baby right now. But, once the shock wore off, we were excited at the thought of another "wee one" on the way. We weren't ready to tell people but family at first, as we wanted to wait for a good ultrasound and an exact due date. We saw a midwife, who sent a referral in for an ultrasound at the nearest big hospital. In the meantime, we booked an ultrasound at a private place since the midwife said it would be a few weeks till our one at the hospital. The ultrasound at the private place wasn't super clear but he estimated the pregnancy at around 7 weeks along. This seemed a little off to us based on symptoms and when we got our positive pregnancy test. Dan and I both had the feeling something might be wrong but without any real reason to worry, we brushed it off. On Monday of this past week, I started having spotting and called the early pregnancy unit at the hospital. They booked for an ultrasound the next day-Tuesday. We went in and sadly, the ultrasound showed no growth and no heartbeat. We were devastated. They told me I could wait for it to happen naturally (which was my preference) or have the surgery to remove the pregnancy. They provisionally booked me for the surgery this coming Tuesday. On Thursday the miscarriage started happening on its own, which I was thankful for. However, yesterday evening I started to have a lot of pain and began to hemorrhage. At first I thought that maybe it was just heavy bleeding but it got worse and worse. I was praying so hard, asking the Lord for help. I then told Dan I think I needed to go in so we called. They sent an ambulance for me. I was so scared while we were waiting, unsure of what was happening and feeling so sick. We called Sam and Andrea to let them know we needed one of them to come over to be with the boys (who were asleep, thankfully). They live a few miles away without a car though. So we called our one set of neighbors we know, and they were already asleep. Thankfully our other neighbors, who we barely know saw the ambulance and quickly came over to sit in the house until my brother got here. They whisked me off to the hospital. I was in tremendous pain and feeling so faint and dizzy. I arrived at the emergency department and they quickly transferred me up to the gynecology/obstetrics floor. They were so nice there. The doctor said the hemorrhaging was probably from the baby/pregnancy tissue getting stuck and she would try to get it out without doing surgery. She was able to and although it was horribly uncomfortable, I am so thankful I didn't need emergency surgery. Once she cleared everything out, the hemorrhaging stopped and the intense horrible pain subsided as well. I had to stay in the hospital overnight. Dan came home to be with the boys and I attempted to sleep through all the interruptions of them checking vital signs and all that fun hospital stuff. Dan came and got me this morning and I am home resting. 

It has all been such a whirlwind. I am trying to juggle my sadness and disappointment over the loss of the baby with the intense feeling of relief that the physical part of it is over. We are so very sad about losing the baby, about never seeing our sweet little one this side of heaven. We had another miscarriage back in 2005 (for those who don't know) and to survive one in a lifetime felt like enough. But I have also seen God's faithfulness this week through being here with Sam and Andrea and not being alone, through God renewing my excitement for the plans we had before this pregnancy (classes for pre-reqs for nursing school in the spring, more time with just the boys to love on them extra, etc), through a wonderful husband who just stepped up last night and did everything. 

Please know that we had planned on telling everyone we were pregnant soon but then all this happened. If anyone feels out of the loop, we are sorry. Trying to navigate big, unexpected news from this far away was tough. We love you all and are glad to be able to share what has gone on. We ache for home at times like this but also know that we have an amazing opportunity to rely on God in new ways, and to be with Sam and Andrea and growing closer to them. 

For those of you who pray, we appreciate and covet your prayers...

We hope to just let ourselves grieve but also enjoy the rest of our time here in Scotland and not let this experience mar the whole journey of being here. 

No need to say much more I suppose. Its all in there. I'm uploading pics for a picture post as we speak so keep your eyes open!

art project...

Ok so those of you who know me well, or have known me a long time, will know that I am NOT a crafty person. I usually leave the craftiness to people like my friend Liz or Tracey. But it rains A LOT here, and we need things to pass the time. So I started googling different things to do and we tried one the other day.

I got construction paper and wrote their name in glue and gave them beans to put on the glue to spell their name in beans. I figured this would help with fine motor skills and learning their letters. 

Here they are getting impatient to start their craft! :) 

 And here they are getting started. 

 It was hilarious to see the differences in their personalities come out in how they placed the beans. Eli was precise and slow and not one bean was out of place. Jayden, on the other hand, was more carefree about it. Love their differences, and seeing how God made each of them unique!! :) 

 Eli actually did way better with this craft than I thought he would. Smarty pants!!!

 After they were finished with their names, they were still excited to do crafts. So I gave them glue sticks and cut out shapes and let them glue them on and color. They loved that too!!!

So if any of you crafty people out there have ideas for other things I could do with them, please let me know!!! It rains so much here, we need some help passing the time inside!! :)